It was an interesting Spring for Planting this year in Minnesota.  We were able to start planting on April 23rd a week later then last year.  We planted the 23rd through the 25th and had to stop due to rain.  It rained the whole following week and temperatures dropped in the the 40's and 50's.  We were able to start back up planting corn on the fourth of May and finished on the seventh.  We started planting beans on the eighth and God blessed us with a beautiful week of sunny and warmer temperatures that allowed us to finish planting beans on the twelfth.  Mothers day weekend was beautiful and then it rained the whole following week.  In seven days we had anywhere from 7 inches to 9 plus inches of rain on various farms.   The result of a heavy amount of rain like that so early on in the season caused numerous washing and on one farm that is located near the Vermillion River caused the loss of 35 acres due to flooding.  We can't replant this area because there is still standing water and it will be to late in the season by the time it dries out.   For some farmers in the area all the rain caused delays in finishing planting.  We were fortunate to get all of our crops in.   With the rain it also has put delays on spraying for weed control.  Ryan and I took our ranger out on Sunday to do some crop checking.  In Ryan's opinion our crops look 85 percent satisfactory.  The crops have  good potential to do well, we just need Mother Nature to cooperate.  Enjoy of few photos we took this spring!  

So its been a hot minute since the last time we updated all of you on the progress of Baby Buck.  We had our first ultrasound at Redwing Mayo along with our first visit with our doctor there.  Everything is looking really well with our little peanut.  I'm considered 9 weeks 3 days along and baby's heart beat was a healthy 172 beats per minute and is one inch long.   I can't even begin to describe how awesome it was to see our little bug moving around on the ultrasound, such a little wiggle worm we have already.  My first thought was this kid is going to be a future crossfitter.  Although its to early to feel any movement yet, its such an awesome feeling knowing that our baby is happy and living it up inside its temporary home.  I never knew I could love someone so much already and have yet to meet them in person.  As I watched the baby wiggle around on the ultrasound screen, I couldn't help fall more in love with this kid and feel so incredibly thankful that God has given us this gift.  If you think about the whole process of conceiving a child and how timing has to be so precise and then how it goes from small cells to a full blown human is incredible. Its a miracle!  God is incredible, the development of a human being is incredible!  How can people not believe in our awesome creator??  Seeing this child change every time we are blessed to be able to see him or her makes my faith in God go even deeper, and makes my love for God even stronger. 

Morning sickness has been up and down, from weeks 6-8 it was all day sickness and its finally starting to get better.  I notice a little in the morning and then at night right before bed.  Food has been up and down, basically crackers, toast and any white carb but as of lately Ive been able to get more protein in which is good.  Heart burn set in last week and the gagging feeling happens off and on through out the day.  Im trying to see the humor in all of this and well pregnancy isn't so glamours.  Somedays I can't eat enough and then there are days where nothing is appealing.  But with heart burn I get reminded of everything I ate at each meal, oh so pleasant!  Cravings have been all over the board, pretty much anything salty right now is amazing and cheese, anything cheese related I love.  Since last night I have been on a taco kick, which I don't hate.  Man I love me some tacos and I'm hoping this baby has a love for guacamole, chips and salsa as much as I do.  I like to think the baby is having a little fiesta in my belly as I devour said tacos!  Its funny at how amazing certain foods taste now that Im pregnant!  I have been able to continue with crossfit 5-6 days a week and love being able to continue to stay active.  My five o'clock class is actually the time when I feel my best so being able to crossfit has kept me pretty happy.  Im being smart about my workouts and lowering my weights and modifying certain movements but Im just happy to be able to move.  The days when we are just lifting are a bit mentally harder, I can already tell my strength has gone, I've lost my strict pull-ups that I was so proud to be able to do.  But I know that strength is something I will always get back.  With our more intense WODs I can tell that I huff and puff a little more with all the extra blood flowing through me.  I compare it to when I did a crossfit class at 10,000 feet in Breckenridge, just short on oxygen and more quickly to.   But overall exercise feels good and I pray it continues that way throughout my whole pregnancy. 

My first Mother's Day was pretty special.  I got to enjoy the afternoon with my mom and sister in law at brunch.  Afterwards I hung out at my parent's house and just visited with my mom out on their deck.  It was such a gorgeous day to be outside, the whole weekend was.  Ryan was so sweet and gave me a nice card and a bouquet of tulips.  The evening was spent grilling out with Ryan's mom and dad and just enjoying the evening.  I can't wait for next Mother's Day to have baby in my arms!

I have had so many friends and people send us cards, gifts and just messages that they are praying for us.  The kindness that  people have shown us is unbelievable!  It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!  I just hope to be able to spread kindness to someone else in a similar situation as Ryan and I.  This afternoon I got to visit with one of my high school classmates and college roommates that I haven't seen for a while.  She is a mom of two adorable boys and listening to her talk about her boys and just being a mom makes me so excited to be entering into the mom life!  Her gift she gave me and just the time we got to spend visiting means more to me then she probably knows!  Thank you Ashely, you are the best!!  Thank you to all my girlfriends who have taken the time to send me gifts, cards and messages, you sure know how to make a girl feel loved!  Its pretty awesome to know I have such an amazing group of friends that I can get future mom advice from.

Our next appointment is June 15th and we won't have our next ultrasound until  Im 20 weeks along.  We will keep you posted on all the baby updates.  Also Ive been meaning to do a post on how spring planting went for us so stay tuned  for that!  For now enjoy pictures of Baby Buck and look for our video of baby moving on Facebook and Instagram!

148 beats per minute is our baby's heart rate.  Strong and healthy.  I wish I was able to give all of you the exciting news that they found two heart beats in there instead of one but God's plan is different then what I desired.  I struggled with how I wanted to write this post, worried about expressing my true feelings and how people would respond or judge me.  But then I thought about how many people have reached out to me and have thanked me for being so honest during the whole process and how it has helped them in their IVF journey.  So Im going to be truthful with my feelings and some of you may roll your eyes and think Im ungrateful but those who know me best will understand and those who have gone through IVF will most definitely understand.  SO HERE GOES NOTHING.

Im beyond excited to be having a baby but when the doctor said one sac, my heart sank.  I even asked the question theres only one, he responded just one and I said out loud bummer.  Ryan quickly said no not bummer.  Dr. Corfman looked around  in my uterus checked the baby's heart rate and all looks healthy and well.  Thank God all looks well!  As I laid there watching the monitor watching the little heart beat flutter nothing sunk in besides the fact that there wasn't twins.  I was dead set that it was going to be twins and expressed pretty loudly on the blog on how I wanted twins.   I think everyone else was thinking it would be twins to.  I got my hopes up and the result didn't turn out the way I wanted.  I had so many people say its twins and I had a dream you had twins and you get to thinking yup its twins.  To be honest I almost feel like Im letting a lot of people down that its not twins.  I have no control over these embryos but you start to think for each one that doesn't stick its another baby I couldn't bring into this world, another life that didn't make it.  All I have to be is a host and why can't I just be a host for the two embryos that we had.  Another thought that went into my head is that Im going to have to do this all over again.  We will have to come up with another twenty grand to start this process.  Im going to have to put my body through this all over again.  From day one of birth control pills, metformin and stimulation meds to the two week long wait of finding out if you are pregnant or not, the whole process sucks.  IVF sucks!  There is nothing fun about it and its like a sick and twisted game on your body and your emotions.   You are gambling not only with your body but your emotions with no guaranteed result of pregnancy.  Another thought that went through my head is how much older I will be when we try again.  I will be 31 in June and each passing year makes it even harder to get pregnant.  Each passing year my eggs get older and that means more medication and harder on my body.  Ryan is 35 and Im thinking crap how old will he be when and if our next child is born.  All of this worry for the future when I have no control over the future.  Then not only do I feel this way but I also feel bad for feeling this way.  Here I am being so ungrateful for the precious gift God has given us and all I can do is worry about the future.  What an awful person I am!  Who acts this way??

 I was hoping it would be simple, put two embryos in, get twins and be done and never have to enter the IVF world again, never have to pay to get pregnant again.  We would have twins and life would continue on and we could actually use our money to pay off debt, finish our basement, whatever else we wanted to do.   I cried almost the whole way home and Ryan didn't say one word to me.  I think its hard for husbands to understand exactly how their wife may feel in a situation like this.  Literally all Ryan had to do is donate his sperm and the rest is up to me and the doctors. He physically and even partially emotionally doesn't understand how I feel.   IVF is not an easy process and for me my body does not like the hormones.  I know I don't want to have just one kid so yes our IVF journey won't be ending at least not yet and yes I will put my body through it all over again.  The physical part is hard but it doesn't compare to the emotional ride of IVF.   Its also scary to think this may be our only child, we may try again with IVF and have no success and have to settle on having only one child.  Apart of me now even though our baby isn't born yet can some what understand what its like for those who have unexplained infertility after their first child.  The desire to want to have more children even though you already have one.

I really feel very selfish for writing exactly how I feel and almost feel like I need to mourn my what could have been and go through the emotions.  My friend Carol put it best to me when she said, the picture you had in your mind might not come true, but I bet the "new" picture will be just as fulfilling.   I know in due time God will reveal to me on why both embryos didn't take, just like he revealed to us later, on why our first go arounds with IVF didn't work.  This is all part of God's plan and Im thankful he blessed us with this baby.  Im not perfect, I am an sinner and feeling this way is human.  Even as I write this I think of all those struggling with infertility and it makes me angry at myself for feeling this way when I know so many who just want to be pregnant.  Im so thankful for this pregnancy more then anyone can imagine its just hard not to think about the future.  I know by doing this Im taking joy away from this pregnancy and this baby.  We could have gone into the ultrasound today and had no heartbeat.  Have the emotional toy of finding out you are pregnant to finding out you know longer are.  Again Im thankful for this baby!!

So here I sit typing this out thinking about how many people will be judging me for acting this way and really Im actually worried about posting this because I don't want to come off ungrateful.  But all I can say is try to put yourself in my shoes, in our shoes.  Think about how long this journey has been for Ryan and I, think about the amount of money we have spent to date on trying to get pregnant.  Who wouldn't want to think one shot, two babies and be done.  Im very much excited for the precious baby inside of me but I think the pregnancy will feel more real to me when I actually start to show.  The baby looks like a white blob on the screen with a little black bump moving in the center of it.  He or she is the size of a blueberry and Im considered 7 weeks and currently due on December 19th.  At exactly 6 weeks nausea kicked in and seems to have intensified since this past Saturday.  Im hungry all the time and pretty much only want to eat carbs right now.  Meat is hit and miss and cravings have been all over the board from mac and cheese to gummy worms.  Majority of my nausea is from morning until lunch time and then picks up around 8:30 at night.  I can't complain Im not vomiting but have really felt like I wanted to.  Im tired only if I sit still but if Im moving and being active Im fine.  Ive been able to crossifit in the evenings still and actually really feel good when Im doing it so hopefully that keeps up.  So far minus feeling just off and my clothes not fitting the pregnancy ride isn't so bad.  Im trying not to complain because Im thankful for the nausea and my clothes not fitting because I could be in a different boat right now.  I think the ultrasound was more exciting for Ryan then it was for me, he seemed pretty excited to see the little heart beat fluttering away, I feel pretty bad I was such a kill joy on the ride home.  If only my sweet husband could look inside my head and my heart he may get my craziness.  

One in eight couples will deal with infertility.  Its a journey like none other and my advice for those who are struggling is speak out, don't be afraid to ask for help, get support and find a way to process the journey.  Most importantly never lose faith!  God has a plan for all of those going through infertility trust in him and he will guide you.  If I didn't have my faith my dream of becoming a parent wouldn't come true.  Im so thankful to God that by the end of the year  Ryan and I will be holding our precious baby!  Even as I journal these words Im already feeling the weight of how I feel lifted off of me  My next appointment is May 18th so it will be fun to see our little blueberry actually looking more like a baby by then.  Thank you all for the support and continued prayers please keep them up for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  Again everyone I am very excited and beyond happy that we have one very healthy baby growing inside of me.  God is good!