Today February 23 marks the nine year anniversary of Ryan's accident. If you care to read about that day you can so here, the-day-our-life-change.html Ryan and I usually just take this day as just another day, but for us both and his family members its hard not to forget all that came about that day. Its hard to think how life might be completely different if Ryan didn't go snowmobiling that day, but then again we can't live in the what ifs. This is all part of God's plan for Ryan's life and even though at times we can't understand why we know that we just need to continue putting our trust in him. Im thankful for this day because its a reminder to me at how blessed we are to be here. The outcome of Ryan's accident could have been completely different and Im thankful for each and every day, good and bad Ryan and I have had these last nine years. Im thankful for the man he is today, the person he has become and I'm excited to continue to see him grow as a husband and hopefully a father.
We are coming up on month that could potentially change our life completely. We have so much to be thankful for and although nerves will be running high the end of March we can't help but be excited. We are hoping and praying that God's plan for us will be the blessing of a family. I was out for a walk yesterday and was thinking about Ryan's accident, all our IVF stuff and the fact that everyone under the sun is announcing that they are pregnant right now. A feeling of worry and heaviness came over me I started feeling more stressed and impatient. Started wondering why all of this is happening, why do we have to be the ones going through this. Wondering why all of these people getting pregnant, people who aren't married, haven't been planning for a child, just happen to have sex, not sure who the father is kind of pregnancy. Starting to wonder why those people are blessed with a child and we have yet to be. A song called Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli came on my iPhone and I was quickly reminded to take my focus off all the garbage and focus on the presence of God in my life. There is a line in the song that says, to be overcome by Your presence Lord. At that moment it was like God saying kid, just breath I got this, stop worrying about everything and just focus on me. So thats what I plan to do put my focus on the good Lord above. To look at this day as a day to be thankful for my life with Ryan and to be excited for the journey ahead. Yes we could choose to be sad on this anniversary date but we won't, we will choose to be thankful for this day! Hard times only make us stronger, right?!
If anyone knows my Ryan like I do you can't help but love him, his personality, his outlook on life and his wheelchair. Yes if you ever meet him he will joke about being in a wheelchair and its ok to laugh!
Its been one month since our last IVF update and we are just a couple short weeks from the next phase of our IVF cycle. On Thursday Ryan and I ventured up to the cities for our injection class and another appointment to go over our medication outline. A couple weeks ago we received our medication outline packet in the mail and I was quickly reminded at how overwhelming all the injections, and timeline can be. Needless to say the refresher course on the injections was nice to have. For those who don't know how this whole process works I will be giving all the injections myself in my stomach with the possibility of Ryan giving me one injection in my bum prior to the embryo transfer and possibly a daily intramuscular injection (in the bum) afterwards every day, that will be determined as we get closer to the embryo transfer. The month of March will be a busy one, I'll stop taking birth control pills on March 4th and begin another medication for ten days that basically puts me into a menopausal state. Side effects will be those typical to menopause. Look out hot flashes! I do remember those side effects from last time, oh how I'm so excited. After the ten days I'll begin my injections. Once we get into that phase I'll be posting more on the injections and what each one of them does. I will then start having more doctors appointments for ultrasounds and blood draws, eventually getting to the point where I will be traveling to see the doctor every 2-3 days for checks. It was hard not to feel a bit overwhelmed leaving the appointment. So many different medications and all pretty time sensitive. Luckily I'm comfortable with injections. Needles don't bother me and Im used to giving injections to other people with my job. But my head was spinning, its a lot to take in at one appointment. I'll be getting almost all of my medications in the mail through a specific pharmacy. Most general pharmacies don't carry IVF medications. Not to go to in depth on how expensive IVF is but average cost for my medications can be as high as five thousand dollars. SO literally every drop of medication is priceless.
Over the last month I've been on a medication called Metformin for my PCOS. Hands down this medication has been awful. I have had little to no appetite. Most food my stomach hasn't done well with and I go through waves of nausea. I have hunger pains that hurt so bad and yet I try to eat something and it makes my stomach feel worse. Saltine crackers and toast have been my friend for the last month. Im down ten pounds, a lot of inches and have very low energy. These are typical side effects of this medication and I was hoping with time they would get better. Some days have been better then others but the days that are bad are so incredibly awful. As of lately anything I put into my mouth gives me indigestion and heart burn so basically food just sucks. Initially all meat even smelling it made me want to vomit but this week I've been able to eat venison bacon of all things. After seeing the doctor and telling them about my side effects they are having me cut my dose down to once a day instead of twice a day in hopes to make things easier on me. They also advised me to try to get protein in as best as I can. They said protein can help ease the side effects.
The hardest part about this last month is just feeling physically awful and not feeling like myself. Ive had mornings where Ive woken up and literally didn't want to get out of bed not because I didn't want to start my day but basically because I knew I had to figure out what to eat when I didn't want to eat. Im a person that loves pretty much all food and ate pretty specific, basically so it would help with crossfit. I ate on average 1,800 calories sometimes close to 2,000. I ate a lot of protein, veggies, fats, limited fruits and only certain carbohydrates. After starting this medication I would be lucky if I even got close to 800 calories. Ive been able to continue with crossfit but my energy is low and Ive had to drop down in weights on some things and just basically take my time and go at my own pace. This has been very hard. Even though I feel less then adequate at crossfit it gives me a hour of my life where I don't have to think about food. Crossfit brings me joy and I look forward to my workouts every night but as of lately that joy has slipped. I go because its exercise and after being hunched over patients all day I need to move around and be active but when my progress has gone from making great strides in strength and stamina to now feeling like a beginner who has never worked out a day in her life its mentally hard on me. Yes I know if I get pregnant that things will change with working out and eventually I may get to the point where I can't work out but at least I would be having a baby or babies growing inside of me. Since I don't now its just harder to accept that I can't keep up with others basically because my nutrition has been next to nothing. Proof that nutrition in crossfit or any exercise for that matter makes a huge difference in your performance and progress. Ive become the queen of comparison and pretty much compare myself to every person at crossfit. I don't know how many days I've held back tears in class because I feel like a failure or that every lift or WOD we do I'm using every bit of what little strength and energy I have to get through a workout. There are days I let the tears come driving home from crossfit to just let my emotions out. I know my spirits are low at crossfit or I can seem pretty moody to others and I don't mean to be but its an odd feeling not feeling like yourself. I look in the mirror and see how my body has changed and again I just don't feel like myself. I want to be in the mood to be able to go out and do things but most activities usually involve food and when you don't feel good in general or have to figure out what to eat its not so fun to go out. I feel bad for Ryan since his wife isn't much herself these days and it all basically comes down to one medication that has caused all of this. He has been hands down supportive and awesome and makes me feel so very loved. He may not get the whole crossfit saga but he's been the one to keep me smiling through all of this. I hate to be complaining about this because it could be worse and this will definitely be worth it if we get pregnant but it feels good to get this out and like my sister in-law told me its ok to vent and to cry about it. Heres hoping that cutting my Metformin down to once a day will help make a difference.
March can't get here fast enough. Im ready to get the ball rolling, we both are. People may think we are nuts when I say this but we are hoping and praying for twins. One and done type of deal. To have twins would be busy but to know that we wouldn't have to figure out cost on how to do this again and to basically not have to go through all the physical and emotional ups and downs of IVF would be a blessing! So there you have it folks, my update full of complaints. Please continue to say prayers for us and prayers for multiples!! I have a lot to be thankful for and yes things could be worse. It was 54 degrees and sunny on February 17th in Minnesota and the weekend forecast looks the same. Cant get much better then that! Look for more IVF updates come March!! Enjoy the weekend!