148 beats per minute is our baby's heart rate. Strong and healthy. I wish I was able to give all of you the exciting news that they found two heart beats in there instead of one but God's plan is different then what I desired. I struggled with how I wanted to write this post, worried about expressing my true feelings and how people would respond or judge me. But then I thought about how many people have reached out to me and have thanked me for being so honest during the whole process and how it has helped them in their IVF journey. So Im going to be truthful with my feelings and some of you may roll your eyes and think Im ungrateful but those who know me best will understand and those who have gone through IVF will most definitely understand. SO HERE GOES NOTHING.
Im beyond excited to be having a baby but when the doctor said one sac, my heart sank. I even asked the question theres only one, he responded just one and I said out loud bummer. Ryan quickly said no not bummer. Dr. Corfman looked around in my uterus checked the baby's heart rate and all looks healthy and well. Thank God all looks well! As I laid there watching the monitor watching the little heart beat flutter nothing sunk in besides the fact that there wasn't twins. I was dead set that it was going to be twins and expressed pretty loudly on the blog on how I wanted twins. I think everyone else was thinking it would be twins to. I got my hopes up and the result didn't turn out the way I wanted. I had so many people say its twins and I had a dream you had twins and you get to thinking yup its twins. To be honest I almost feel like Im letting a lot of people down that its not twins. I have no control over these embryos but you start to think for each one that doesn't stick its another baby I couldn't bring into this world, another life that didn't make it. All I have to be is a host and why can't I just be a host for the two embryos that we had. Another thought that went into my head is that Im going to have to do this all over again. We will have to come up with another twenty grand to start this process. Im going to have to put my body through this all over again. From day one of birth control pills, metformin and stimulation meds to the two week long wait of finding out if you are pregnant or not, the whole process sucks. IVF sucks! There is nothing fun about it and its like a sick and twisted game on your body and your emotions. You are gambling not only with your body but your emotions with no guaranteed result of pregnancy. Another thought that went through my head is how much older I will be when we try again. I will be 31 in June and each passing year makes it even harder to get pregnant. Each passing year my eggs get older and that means more medication and harder on my body. Ryan is 35 and Im thinking crap how old will he be when and if our next child is born. All of this worry for the future when I have no control over the future. Then not only do I feel this way but I also feel bad for feeling this way. Here I am being so ungrateful for the precious gift God has given us and all I can do is worry about the future. What an awful person I am! Who acts this way??
I was hoping it would be simple, put two embryos in, get twins and be done and never have to enter the IVF world again, never have to pay to get pregnant again. We would have twins and life would continue on and we could actually use our money to pay off debt, finish our basement, whatever else we wanted to do. I cried almost the whole way home and Ryan didn't say one word to me. I think its hard for husbands to understand exactly how their wife may feel in a situation like this. Literally all Ryan had to do is donate his sperm and the rest is up to me and the doctors. He physically and even partially emotionally doesn't understand how I feel. IVF is not an easy process and for me my body does not like the hormones. I know I don't want to have just one kid so yes our IVF journey won't be ending at least not yet and yes I will put my body through it all over again. The physical part is hard but it doesn't compare to the emotional ride of IVF. Its also scary to think this may be our only child, we may try again with IVF and have no success and have to settle on having only one child. Apart of me now even though our baby isn't born yet can some what understand what its like for those who have unexplained infertility after their first child. The desire to want to have more children even though you already have one.
I really feel very selfish for writing exactly how I feel and almost feel like I need to mourn my what could have been and go through the emotions. My friend Carol put it best to me when she said, the picture you had in your mind might not come true, but I bet the "new" picture will be just as fulfilling. I know in due time God will reveal to me on why both embryos didn't take, just like he revealed to us later, on why our first go arounds with IVF didn't work. This is all part of God's plan and Im thankful he blessed us with this baby. Im not perfect, I am an sinner and feeling this way is human. Even as I write this I think of all those struggling with infertility and it makes me angry at myself for feeling this way when I know so many who just want to be pregnant. Im so thankful for this pregnancy more then anyone can imagine its just hard not to think about the future. I know by doing this Im taking joy away from this pregnancy and this baby. We could have gone into the ultrasound today and had no heartbeat. Have the emotional toy of finding out you are pregnant to finding out you know longer are. Again Im thankful for this baby!!
So here I sit typing this out thinking about how many people will be judging me for acting this way and really Im actually worried about posting this because I don't want to come off ungrateful. But all I can say is try to put yourself in my shoes, in our shoes. Think about how long this journey has been for Ryan and I, think about the amount of money we have spent to date on trying to get pregnant. Who wouldn't want to think one shot, two babies and be done. Im very much excited for the precious baby inside of me but I think the pregnancy will feel more real to me when I actually start to show. The baby looks like a white blob on the screen with a little black bump moving in the center of it. He or she is the size of a blueberry and Im considered 7 weeks and currently due on December 19th. At exactly 6 weeks nausea kicked in and seems to have intensified since this past Saturday. Im hungry all the time and pretty much only want to eat carbs right now. Meat is hit and miss and cravings have been all over the board from mac and cheese to gummy worms. Majority of my nausea is from morning until lunch time and then picks up around 8:30 at night. I can't complain Im not vomiting but have really felt like I wanted to. Im tired only if I sit still but if Im moving and being active Im fine. Ive been able to crossifit in the evenings still and actually really feel good when Im doing it so hopefully that keeps up. So far minus feeling just off and my clothes not fitting the pregnancy ride isn't so bad. Im trying not to complain because Im thankful for the nausea and my clothes not fitting because I could be in a different boat right now. I think the ultrasound was more exciting for Ryan then it was for me, he seemed pretty excited to see the little heart beat fluttering away, I feel pretty bad I was such a kill joy on the ride home. If only my sweet husband could look inside my head and my heart he may get my craziness.
One in eight couples will deal with infertility. Its a journey like none other and my advice for those who are struggling is speak out, don't be afraid to ask for help, get support and find a way to process the journey. Most importantly never lose faith! God has a plan for all of those going through infertility trust in him and he will guide you. If I didn't have my faith my dream of becoming a parent wouldn't come true. Im so thankful to God that by the end of the year Ryan and I will be holding our precious baby! Even as I journal these words Im already feeling the weight of how I feel lifted off of me My next appointment is May 18th so it will be fun to see our little blueberry actually looking more like a baby by then. Thank you all for the support and continued prayers please keep them up for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Again everyone I am very excited and beyond happy that we have one very healthy baby growing inside of me. God is good!